Every time I go see my nephrologist, it’s always been the same – “your kidney function is normal, at least what is normal for your kidneys, see you in three months.” (For those of you who live in Rubidoux, a nephrologist is one who studies the function of the kidneys. To be specific, nephrons, which are the main component of filtration in the kidneys) Yesterday was no different than what it has been the previous visits; my kidney function was normal for what normal is for them. Except, the doctor added this statement towards the end of our visit, “have we ever talked what you want to do when the time comes for you to go on dialysis?”
Over the last nine years, I have had many a hospital stay either from the kidneys or Crohn’s or a combination of both. And every time that dialysis was mentioned as a possibility, the kidney start to function again (as if they would hear what would happen to them if they didn’t) and I would dodge a bullet.
When he came into the examination room, he wasn’t his jovial self. And I hope I’m not reading something into something that has nothing to do with my case. But in the past, he’s always been very friendly when entering the room, almost like saying, “I’m really glad to see you”. However, yesterday, there was a look of concern on his face. Like I said, I’m hoping that I’m not reading something that isn’t there, because in the last nine years, I have learned to trust this doctor’s decisions. He’s a well-educated man and a doctor with a very kind bedside manner. Last year when I was in the hospital for what the doctors thought was a heart attack and the tests they ran confirmed it, the cardiologist on the case wanted to perform an angiogram to see what damage to the heart occurred, (this can be detrimental to kidneys because iodine is used, which is extremely dangerous to kidneys in poor health it if stays in them too long) it was my nephrologist who cut through all of the medical twaddle and simply said, “you can live without your kidneys, you can’t live without a heart.”
I heard the words of a brother, but I also heard the words of my father, too. I have taken a vested interest in what this man has to say; he’s earned that right.
When he asked me if we had talked about what I wanted, when the time comes, something strange set in. It wasn’t fear as in there’s a ghost in the next room, so I better avoid that room. But maybe something closer to dread. Like I need to go into my garage and clean it up (you should see my garage, then you’ll understand) Understandably that by going on dialysis is not a death sentence in and of itself, it just that the two men I admire most, my grandfather and father, were on dialysis for about three to five years and succumb to death. The concern is that as I’m on the threshold of fifty years young, will I be around to see sixty or beyond that?
The good news is that things have change in the last four years for people with kidney disease and kidney failure. And I’m still considered to be young enough for a kidney transplant. So even if I might be on the threshold of dialysis, I’m not on the threshold of death.
Another thing to add to the mix is that after consulting with some people that I know that have survive various forms of cancer, the key to their survival was a positive look on life; we’re going to beat this. Now I realize that cancer and kidney failure is two different things, but an attitude, and a positive one at that, carries a long way. So when the time comes, the things I will keep close to me to encourage me, is a bright outlook, love of my family, and most importantly, holding the hand of the Master in the darkest hour.
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